How to Build Greater Security in Your Relationship

Core Principles That Support a Secure‑Functioning Partnership

Many couples come to therapy not because they lack love, but because their relationship no longer feels safe, steady, or predictable. Emotional reactions escalate quickly, misunderstandings linger, and even small moments of disconnection can feel threatening. This is where the concept of secure functioning becomes essential.

A secure functioning relationship is one where both partners actively protect the relationship as a shared system. Rather than operating as two individuals negotiating for power, security, or control, partners function as a team with a clear, pro relationship stance. The relationship itself becomes the priority.

Secure functioning is a core concept in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin. It is grounded in how our nervous systems are wired for attachment and threat detection. When couples understand this, they can move away from blame and toward cooperation, repair, and mutual care.

Below are several foundational principles that support secure functioning and help couples build emotional safety, trust, and resilience over time.

1. Putting the Relationship First

Putting the relationship first means making decisions with the wellbeing of the partnership in mind rather than prioritizing individual comfort in the moment. This does not mean losing yourself. It means recognizing that when the relationship is stable and secure, both partners benefit.

A consistent pro relationship stance reduces threat, increases trust, and allows each partner more freedom to pursue personal and shared goals.

2. Practicing Transparency

In a secure functioning relationship, partners operate as equals. This requires sharing information openly and in a timely way.

A helpful guiding question is: If my partner found this out later, would it hurt or destabilize them?

If the answer is yes, it is important to share now. Withholding information activates threat responses in the nervous system and erodes trust. Transparency supports fairness, collaboration, and a felt sense of safety.

3. Managing Outside Stressors Together

In PACT, external demands are often referred to as thirds. These include work, children, finances, extended family, health concerns, social commitments, and ongoing stress.

When outside stressors are not managed collaboratively, they can quietly pull partners out of alignment and into cycles of resentment or conflict. Secure functioning couples approach these pressures as a team, recognizing that what affects one partner ultimately affects the relationship.

4. Creating and Honouring Agreements

Clear agreements provide structure, predictability, and emotional safety. Through thoughtful discussion, negotiation, and compromise, partners define expectations that support both individuals and the relationship.

Agreements clarify which behaviours strengthen security and which ones create threat. When agreements are co created and consistently honoured, couples feel more grounded, respected, and aligned.

5. Leading With Relief and Repair

Even in strong relationships, missteps happen. When a partner feels hurt, scared, or disconnected, secure functioning partners prioritize repair over defense.

Leading with relief means moving quickly to reduce distress, taking responsibility where appropriate, and restoring a sense of safety. Our nervous systems are wired for connection, and timely repair is essential to maintaining closeness and trust.

Every relationship has its own history, patterns, and nervous system dynamics. These principles are most effective when they are tailored to your unique relationship rather than applied rigidly.

As a PACT trained couples therapist, I support partners in learning how to function more securely, communicate more clearly, and repair more effectively.

I offer in person and virtual couples therapy in Navan, Ontario and across Ontario. If you are seeking support in strengthening emotional safety and connection in your relationship, you are welcome to book a session or reach out through the Contact page.