Are We Just Not Compatible? Rethinking What Makes a Relationship Work

Are We Just Not Compatible?

This is one of the most common fears couples bring into my therapy office.

When couples feel stuck, disconnected, or frustrated with the same arguments happening over and over, it can be easy to believe that the problem is the relationship itself.

Maybe we are too different? Maybe we chose the wrong person? Maybe love should feel easier than this?

But what if compatibility is not something we simply find but rather something we need to create together?

The myth of the perfect match

Many of us grow up with the idea that there is one person out there who will naturally fit with us. Someone who understands us without explanation, communicates perfectly, shares all our interests, and does not bring too many challenges into the relationship. Although this idea sounds romantic, it also creates unecessary pressure.

The truth is, every person brings their own history, personality, attachment patterns, fears, needs, morning routines, habits, pet, children and ways of coping into a relationship.

My observations show that even couples who have deeply loving and secure relationships experience conflict. They have differences, they misunderstand each other, they hurt each other unintentionally... more than once.

The difference is not that they are more compatible.

The difference is that they have learned how to come back to each other.

Relationships are built, not discovered

The Gottmans’ research on relationships shows that healthy couples are not couples who never disagree. In fact, many relationship challenges are ongoing and cannot be completely solved.

What matters is how couples respond to those moments.

• Do we become defensive and protect ourselves?

• Do we shut down and disconnect?

• Do we try to prove we are right?

• Or do we slow down enough to become curious about each other?
  

A strong relationship is not created by avoiding conflict. It is created through repair, understanding, and the willingness to keep choosing each other. Not every disagreement or expression of needs or hurt need to result in conflict.

Secure relationships are created together

Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), talks about the importance of creating a secure functioning relationship.

This means that partners learn to become a team.

They learn:

• How to protect the relationship.

• How to consider each other’s needs.

• How to create safety during moments of stress.

• How to repair after moments of disconnection.
  

A relationship is not secure because two people are naturally perfect for each other.

Quite the opposite, a relationship becomes secure because two people are willing to care for the bond they are creating and continue to learn and grow.

But does compatibility matter?

To a certain extent, but what is more important is shared principles that we create together. We need to have some compatibility in shared values, emotional safety, respect, trust, and a willingness to grow together.

Not every relationship is meant to last. Some differences are significant and cannot be worked on especially in the case of abuse and power dynamics. But sometimes what couples call “incompatibility” is actually a relationship that has become stuck in a painful pattern.

A couple may not be fighting because they are wrong for each other but rather because the need for communication and safety exceeds the current level of skills.

They may be fighting because they have not yet learned how to feel safe, understood, and connected during moments of stress.

The better question to ask

Instead of only asking:

“Are we compatible?”

It may be worth asking:

• Are we both willing to learn how to love each other better?

• Can we create a relationship where both of us feel safe enough to be ourselves?

• Can we become a team when things are difficult?

  
  

In the end, lasting love is not about finding someone who never challenges us.

On the contrary, A healthy relationship will challenge you to grow and step up to your highest potential.

It is about finding someone who is willing to build with us.