Confidentiality in Couples Therapy: Building Trust

Confidentiality in Couples Therapy: Building Trust

As a couples therapist, my intake sessions usually start the same way. We review confidentiality, informed consent, my ethical responsibilities, and the limits of confidentiality. It's a conversation that happens in every first session and one that most people expect. Then I often ask a question that catches them off guard: “What are your principles around confidentiality in your relationship?”

Most couples look at me a little confused.

“We don’t have any.”

“Why would we need that?”

“We’re open books.”

“We don’t control each other. We can tell people whatever we want.”

And yet, at some point, many couples find themselves saying, “Why would you tell them that?” or “That was something I told you privately.”

The issue is rarely that couples disagree about confidentiality, but rather that they never actually talked about what confidentiality and privacy mean in their relationship.

We tend to assume our partner sees privacy the same way we do. But they may not.

So, what does confidentiality mean in a relationship?

I recently worked with a couple who were struggling to define what confidentiality meant to them.

For one partner, having limits around what could be shared with others felt restrictive. Being able to talk openly with trusted people was an important source of connection and support.

For the other partner, the relationship was a place where he could let his guard down. He worried that things he shared in the safety of the relationship could later be discussed with other people.

Both needs made sense.

So the question became less about who was right and more about: What would protect the relationship while still allowing each person to have meaningful relationships outside of it?

We explored what each partner considered private, what could be shared, who it could be shared with, and whether there were situations where they would want to ask each other first.

This is one of the things I find so valuable about couples therapy. We don't always need to agree on everything.

But we do need to understand the shared principles we are each living by.

Confidentiality doesn't have to mean secrecy

In a healthy relationship, creating boundaries around what is shared with other people doesn't mean controlling your partner or asking them to keep secrets.

Sometimes, it's as simple as saying:

"I shared this with you because I felt safe with you. Can we talk about what happens if you want to share it with someone else?"

That conversation creates an opportunity for understanding before resentment starts to build.

You may discover that your partner sees privacy very differently than you do. One person may believe that talking to friends and family is a normal way of processing emotions, while the other may experience those same conversations as a breach of trust.

Neither perspective is automatically right or wrong. The important part is making those expectations explicit instead of assuming you're both working from the same set of rules.

From a PACT lens: protect the relationship

One of the principles I often discuss with couples through a PACT lens is the idea of protecting the relationship.

PACT encourages couples to view the relationship as something that deserves care, protection, and clear boundaries. Part of that protection involves being thoughtful about who has access to the intimate details of the relationship.

This doesn't mean couples should isolate themselves or avoid seeking support. It means recognizing that friends and family rarely have the full picture. They hear one perspective, one painful moment, or one version of an argument. Their advice, although often well-intentioned, may not always support the long-term health of the relationship.

Whenever possible, I encourage couples to address concerns with each other first. When outside support is needed, it's important to be intentional about where that support comes from and whether the person you're confiding in can actually help strengthen the relationship rather than unintentionally creating more division.

Like all boundaries, there are important exceptions.

Confidentiality should never be used to hide abuse, neglect, coercion, violence, or situations where someone's safety is at risk. In those circumstances, reaching out for help is not only appropriate but necessary. The difference is that support should come from safe, appropriate, and informed sources rather than from sharing painful experiences indiscriminately.

Your relationship needs its own definition of privacy

There is no single rulebook for confidentiality in a relationship.

Every couple has different needs, different histories, different relationships with family and friends, and different ideas about privacy.

The important part is that you talk about it.

Because confidentiality is one of those relationship principles we often don't think we need until we suddenly realize we do.

Maybe it’s worth having the conversation before that moment arrives.

If you and your partner are struggling with boundaries, trust, communication, or feeling emotionally safe in your relationship, couples therapy can provide a space to slow things down and explore.